“Have you met Chantal? She is such a lovely lady.” A casual comment like this, said in a positive tone, has the power to endear one person to another, or to create outrage. The difference lies with the person who hears the comment and how she defines what a “lady” is.

Who is a lady? The dictionary defines a lady as a well-bred woman; — the female counterpart to a gentleman; a woman who is refined, polite, and well-spoken; a woman of high social position or economic class; any woman; a female.

I recently presented the following question to various professionals globally, “What does it mean to be a ‘lady,’ or a ‘gentleman,’ in today’s society? Is it valued?” The feedback shed an interesting light on how our current society views being a lady.

While many embrace the notion of being a lady, or a gentleman, today, others find the term lady distasteful and sexist. Interestingly, they do not find the term gentleman to be distasteful or sexist. Being a lady brings to mind comments like, “Nice ladies don’t speak up, and nice ladies don’t cross their legs.” One individual noted that in Sweden they have opted to not call children “boys” and “girls” anymore and joked that Dr. Seuss may have had it correct to call them “Thing 1” and “Thing 2.”

The majority of men and women aligned their beliefs with the dictionary definition that a lady is not only who she is according to gender, but also how she behaves.

Personally, I embrace being called a lady, as I view this term to refer to my being gracious, thoughtful, kind, self-assured, poised, and female. I know who I am—my strengths and my weaknesses—and am able to move through life with an unyielding confidence rooted in my character and displayed as class. I possess clear boundaries, both personally and professionally, and respect the boundaries of others.

A lady is one who embraces her background and has mastered the art of how to dress, speak, and behave in every situation. Here are a few insights into what it is to be a modern lady.

Her Background

She is not required to be born into the right family or experience a silver spoon upbringing; she demonstrates instead care and consideration for self and others, which is rooted in civility.

She values education—both formal and self-study—and is committed to lifelong learning.

She develops, uses, and trusts her intuition.

Her Appearance

She accepts, embraces, and maximizes her physical appearance.

She selects clothing that suits her style and suits the occasion.

She understands the value of mystery and modesty.

Her Walk

She moves with grace, elegance, strength, and confidence.

She plans her day well and is not hurried.

She speaks with kindness and consideration.

She is thankful and tactful in her communication.

She gives and accepts compliments with ease.

Her actions

She maintains high moral character and integrity, and protects it at all cost.

She is generous with her time, talent, and resources.

She is courteous, polite, thoughtful, and loyal.

She honors and respects all people.

While one is born female, the art of being a lady must be developed and nurtured. For some, this skill is learned in her family as she grows up. For others, the skill is honed through observation, attending classes, reading books, and trial and error. For all, becoming a lady is a lifelong process and commitment as our society embraces reality TV, careless dress and grooming, trash talk, and increasingly shocking behavior.

Today’s lady shares equal status and responsibility in all aspects of society—whatever her life choices are personally and professionally.

Being a lady is not as much about what she does, but rather, who she is, and how she navigates herself through life. You instantly know, and never forget, when you have been in the presence of a lady. She is classy, elegant, polite, compelling, and intoxicating. Being in the presence of a true lady or gentleman is a powerful and memorable experience.

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.” Margaret Thatcher

Monica Brandner and Lorene Keen, Guest Writers

Why is teaching our children to honor their elders important? Over the past 30 years we have seen a separation in the family due to divorce, moving across the country, and for some, they simply dislike their parents. As our parents are aging there seems to be a deep need to be closer to our families.

Our children may not have a lot in common with their grandparents, but it's still important that they learn to show kindness and respect. Here are 4 simple little etiquette tips to help your children show honor to the “Golden Generation.”

ATTITUDE - Model respectful behavior your children can imitate.
Smile, give a hug and laugh. Help your children see what it looks like to enjoy the elders in your family. Grumbling and complaining releases bad attitudes in your home and gives your children permission to think poorly of others.

ACKNOWLEDGMENT – No one likes to feel like they are invisible!
Have your children look their grandparents in the eye and say, "Hello, grandpa and grandma."

THANKFULNESS – Being thankful and being thoughtful is like giving a mini gift!
Coach your children to say, "Please and thank you."
Teach them how to be appreciative of the gifts their grandparents give and not just expect gifts. Have your children draw pictures on a thank you card because grandparents are usually thrilled to receive them, and it engenders a child's creativity while teaching them to think about others.

TIME - Surround your family with seniors.
To bridge the gap of generations at family gatherings, have your little children put on a play, sing a song, or dance for their grandparents. Having fun builds bonds!

And, a great tip suggested by John Daly, Etiquette and Protocol Professional on LinkedIn, “If the grandparents are physically up to it, arrange for them to babysit or take vacations with you and the kids to have more time together and understand each other. It was on a vacation when my grandchildren were around 4 that we truly bonded together.”

Simple suggestions, now JUST DO IT!

To learn more about Monica Brandner and Loreen Keen visit  www.etiquetteprincess.com

On a crisp sunny fall afternoon, a group of ladies gather for a leisurely lunch in a cozy bistro. The aroma of fresh baked bread and coffee brewing goes unnoticed. The buzz of conversation focuses on handbags, shoes, and baubles. After placing their order, they settle in to catch up on the past few months. One by one they share experiences of exotic travel, art and historic museums, purchased treasures, and fine dining – each having something grander to say. I notice one of the women seems distracted. As her turn comes, she pauses and says, “You all know that I lost my job a few months ago, but my travels this summer were beyond compare. Each morning I met the sunrise as I took my morning walk through a field of wildflowers. Some days a soft breeze would join us in a delightful dance. Candlelit meals were savored slowly in the company of Michael Buble and other ‘special guests’. Each evening I embraced the sunset as it dropped in the horizon and was welcomed by the moonlight.”

“Where in the world were you?” asked one of the ladies. “I was home. Each year I have looked for something, someone, and somewhere more spectacular than I had experienced the year before and realized I had neglected to embrace the beauty with which I am surrounded every day. I discovered I have all that I need right where I am. My life is one of luxury.” Silence settled over the group. She continued, “Can you smell the bread and coffee? Isn’t it heavenly?”

Like this group of ladies, we often live life chasing after something other than what we hold in our hands.  What is a luxurious life? Is it exotic travel, expensive gifts, designer clothing, and five-star restaurants? Is luxury limited to a large bank account? I believe we all can live a luxuriously lavish life. In order to do so, however, we must view luxury with new eyes.

Time
Time is our most precious commodity. Each person is given the same twenty-four-hour day. What will you do with yours? What will you say “yes” to and what will you say “no” to?

I used to feel pressed to fill every moment of my day. I was driven. I had a core belief that the more I did, the better I was. Instead, I found myself bankrupt. I had neglected making time for me. I had viewed it as a luxury I could not afford. Now each day, I make time to pamper myself. It may be a cup of coffee on the patio listening to the birds sing, or time in the kitchen preparing a beautiful meal.

Face-to-Face Time
In our high-tech society, time spent with a child, a partner, or friend in focused face-to-face conversation is a rare event. Unaware, we have reduced conversation to a series of texts and daily to-do lists. While sending a text saying “I love you” is sweet, nothing can replace a held hand, a lingering gaze, and caring words.

Make sure to include time each day where you set technology aside and embrace the luxury of uninterrupted time with those you love.

Meal Time
Over-scheduled days leave everyone drained. The very thought of preparing a meal, sitting down at the table, and cleaning it all up can be exhausting. It is simply easier to grab something to eat on the run. While healthy options are available for those on-the-go meals, the luxury of slowing down and experiencing the dining process has been nearly lost.  Set the table, light a candle, play your favorite music, engage in conversation. The benefits to your physical and emotional health will be far reaching.

Quiet Time
A luxurious life prioritizes time each day to nourish the soul. Pray, meditate, watch the sunrise, the sunset, the rain dance on the sidewalk, or a hummingbird feed. Practice the art of being quiet, slowing down, and seeing the world around you.

Thankfully, living a luxuriously lavish life does not require a large bank account. A luxurious life realizes time is the most precious commodity and every day is a gift to be cherished. By reframing how you see the world around you, and viewing time as your most precious gift, you will be on your way to experiencing a rich life.

As a teenager I loved the idea of making New Year’s resolutions. It was fun thinking about all the things in life I would like to change. I viewed this process much like asking a fairy godmother to grant me three wishes, that somehow, just by asking, I would be granted my request. The idea of hard work and focus to bring about change did not enter my mind. I am sure my list read something like lose weight and save money. This makes me chuckle today since I maintained a healthy weight, and without a goal for saving money, what was the point? Like many teens, I did not realize the value personal reflection and planning had to direct my life. 

Over time I did give up making meaningless New Year’s resolutions in favor of setting believable, measurable, and challenging goals that would define my destiny.

Start With the End in Mind

Why do you want to achieve a particular goal? The more fully you can answer this question the more motivation you will have to achieve it. To set a financial goal to save for retirement, while being important, may not be enough to motive you. Take time to think through what you would like your retirement to look like and then research what it will take financially to make that a reality.

Pictures are powerful. Consider creating a visual storyboard of what you envision your life looking like when you achieve your goal as a way to help you stay motivated.

Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude

Many goals are defeated by negative self-talk that fuels a defeatist attitude.  A positive attitude is vital for achieving your goals.

Write your goal out as though you already have achieved it using positive and motivating language. For example, “I look forward to my daily workout. It is fun! I love how I feel and how all my clothes fit.” Post this where you can read it every day. Words are powerful and how you speak about yourself and your goals will either motivate you or defeat you.

You Are Who You Hang With

Surround yourself with people who will support your goals.  If your goal is to improve your food choices for better health, hanging out with those who load up on soda, fast-food, and large portion sizes will be a challenge. Find a friend who loves to work out, eat healthy, and enjoys a fit lifestyle. Time spent with people who have mastered a goal you are working toward will prove to be motivating and inspiring.

The beginning of the year is a natural time to reflect, refocus, and reframe your life. Take some time to think about what you would like your life to look like next year, in five years, and twenty years. The choices you make today will create the life you will live tomorrow. Here is to your success!

“Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.”  Aristotle

Friendships are created in many ways. You meet them at school, work, church and the gym. You text, email, tweet, and befriend them on Facebook.  The dictionary describes a friend as one who is attached to another by affection or esteem; they are not hostile; they are a favored companion. Whatever your definition of friend is, a friend is a vital part of a happy life.

There are many types of friendships. Some are for a season and others are for a lifetime. Friends enrich your life and give meaning to your existence. They celebrate your victories, encourage you through difficult situations and stand with you in tragedy. It has been said that a friend is one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.

Casual friendships provide many social opportunities and pleasures. It is through these friendships that much of life takes place. These friends may know some of the details of your personal life, but most interactions are focused on business or the group that united them. A healthy individual will enjoy many friendships at this level.

Intimate friendships are few, requiring a larger investment and transparency. These friends know a great deal about you. Over time, trust is created. Here, each person feels safe to share the things that bring them joy, as well as pain.

The qualities of a friend are many, but the foundation is trust. A friend trusts you will treat them with kindness in all you say and do.  You listen not only to their words, but to their heart; you are patient , not expecting them to do everything on your timetable; you are forgiving, knowing they are not perfect; you are loyal, even when they are not present; you are a confidant, not sharing their secrets; you empathize,  doing your best to understand their feelings and point of view; you are a peacemaker, agreeing to disagree when needed; you are respectful, letting their no, be no; you are an encourager, speaking words of life that inspire; you always believe the best of your friend.

Choose your friends carefully, for you will become like them.

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC, Guest Writer

You can learn a lot from watching dogs. If you want to be happier at work and move ahead in your career, try to think more like a dog. Yes, for real!

Become Happier at Work:

1. Show your enthusiasm. Learn to love whatever you're doing. When your job seems routine, remind yourself of its purpose, whether that's to provide for your family or invent a new medicine. Sometimes just smiling will make you feel more joyful.

2. Greet everybody. Take the time to wish everyone a good morning before you settle down to your tasks. Your relationships with your co-workers play a huge role in your job satisfaction. Create a friendly atmosphere by exchanging daily pleasantries.

3. Lend others your support. Take a break from your own concerns to notice how your colleagues are feeling. When stress levels are high, offer your assistance and encouragement. You'll feel good about helping out, and people will be more likely to reciprocate when you need a hand.

4. Give early warnings. Minor workplace conflicts can escalate if they're allowed to fester. Speak out tactfully at the first sign of a misunderstanding. This will make your work environment much more pleasant than just growling right before you bite.

5. Bounce back from conflicts. Forget about holding grudges. Put any unpleasant experiences behind you and demonstrate your willingness to cooperate with everybody to get the job done.

 6. Follow your instincts. Sometimes you have to respond to unfamiliar situations without much time to prepare. Trust your instincts when you need to take a risk. If it's your first time giving a staff presentation, boost your confidence by adapting what you already know from your days on the student debate team.

7. Get plenty of sleep. You may never be able to arrange your schedule to get as much sleep as your dog, but you can still strive for 8 hours every night. Adequate rest is critical to your mental health.

How to Advance in Your Career:

1. Show off your accomplishments. Humility is an admirable quality, but sometimes you need to promote yourself. Watch how dogs soak up positive attention without looking like they're bragging. Use your success stories to your advantage in job evaluations and interviews.

2. Follow the rules. How does a dog know which objects are okay to chew? The logic behind some rules may elude you, but it's usually best to go along with them to preserve order in the workplace.

3. Practice active listening. Your co-workers are bound to value you more if you take a sincere interest in them. Listen respectfully to what others may be able to teach you.

4. Persist. Persistence is a big part of success. Stay focused and keep on the trail no matter what obstacles arise. If you get blocked from digging under the fence, maybe you can persuade someone to open the gate for you.

5. Reduce waste. Mail carriers and couriers perform valuable jobs, but many dogs obviously would prefer a paper-free world. Some dogs also regard as edible the many things that humans throw away. Impress your boss and help the environment by cutting down on paper waste and recycling more.

6. Contribute to the pack. Above all, think beyond your own interests to participate as a team player. Take satisfaction in working together to achieve common goals and improve everyone's well being. You can accomplish much more working with others than you ever could on your own.

Although chasing your tail may not get you anywhere in life, dogs are otherwise great role models for becoming more content and productive at work.

To learn more about Laura Allen visit  www.LauraAllanCounseling.com

Entertaining is not exclusive to the holidays, but the holidays do invite more opportunities to entertain. For some, entertaining is as easy as breathing. For others, the thought of inviting guests into their home for a meal is breath-taking! All the cleaning, shopping,  cooking, and then cleaning again become overwhelming and stressful. It is simply easier to go to a restaurant and let someone else handle the details. As lovely as a meal out can be, however, it can never replace the warmth and intimacy of a meal shared around a family table.

To entertain with style does not require the best linens, perfectly set table, finest cuisine, or grand home. What it does require is a host and guests who are kind and thoughtful, and understand that true hospitality is a gift given from a generous heart. 

The Happy Host   
A happy host begins with the end in mind. The goal is to nurture established relationships as well as cultivate new ones. For your guests to have a pleasant experience, you must have a pleasant experience, and that requires thoughtful preparation. If you are not a seasoned host, it is best to start small. Remember, this is not about putting on a show; it’s about sharing who you are.

Entertaining starts with an invitation. For a casual event you may call your guests and provide them with the details of a date, time, and place. It is always a good idea to ask your guests if they have any food requirements you should be aware of. You would not want to serve a shrimp pasta dish to someone who was deathly allergic to shellfish.

What to serve? Anything you and your guests will enjoy! Thankfully, there is no rule that you must personally prepare each dish from scratch when you are a host. Whether you lack cooking skills, or simply do not have the time, there are plenty of options available to you – from prepared food at your local supermarket to take-out from your favorite restaurant to hiring a caterer. Simply place the food on your own dishes, and dinner is ready! If you do enjoy cooking and have the time, terrific!

Think through all the details. How and when will you serve the food? Where will everyone sit? What about lighting and music? Will you include candles and flowers? If you do, use only unscented candles and flowers where food is served. Is your home neat and clean? While no guest should be doing a white glove test when they arrive, they should be greeted with a clean environment. Will the evening include food and interesting conversation, or will you play a game – or watch a movie? What time will the evening end? And don’t forget to plan ahead for what you will wear. There is nothing more stressful than trying to find something to wear at the last moment.

Being a host is a gift of love and does require effort. By keeping your focus on the goal, thinking through the process, and having as many of the details handled before your guests arrive, you are well on your way to being a happy host. A happy host enjoys her guests and makes them her focus.

The Gracious Guest
A happy host loves a gracious guest, someone who understands that being invited into a home is an act of generosity and hospitality and would never treat such an invitation lightly. She is quick to let the host know if she is able to attend – RSVP – and, once she has accepted the kind invitation, would not think of being late, not showing up, or bringing an uninvited tagalong.

A gracious guest never arrives empty handed. If she was not asked to bring a part of the meal, she brings a small gift that the host will enjoy as a way to express her gratitude.  She comes prepared to participate in the conversation and any activities the host has planned. She looks for ways that she can assist her host, such as, making other guests feel comfortable, or giving a helpful hand in the kitchen.  She is positive, kind and thoughtful to all. She never overstays her welcome, and never forgets to send her host a handwritten note expressing her gratitude.

Successful entertaining requires both a happy host and gracious guests. Life today is overscheduled, overspent, and filled with stress – especially during the holidays. Being invited into someone’s home to enjoy a meal and pleasant conversation may be one of the best gifts you receive. This holiday season, schedule time to open your home and your heart to those you love. It is a priceless gift.

“It requires as much skill and genius to entertain friends as to defeat an army.” —Paulus Aemilius, Roman General

Whatever the method of communication may be, one thing remains constant: we must demonstrate behavior that is considerate and polite.

Reason for Communicating

With so many communication options available, it is important to identify what the purpose is for your interaction. Do you desire to deepen a relationship? Do you have upsetting news? If so, it is best to communicate face-to-face. If that is not possible, then a phone call would be appropriate. Quick notes or comments can easily be sent through a text.

Focus on Those Who are Present

Where is your focus? Those who constantly check their phone send a clear message that there is something more important than those who are present—never a good message if you desire to enhance relationships.

Mobile Phone Tips

• Hang up and tend to business. Talking on your phone when you are trying to check out of a store, at the bank, in a public space, or using the restroom is never appropriate.

• Watch your volume!  People tend to talk louder on their mobile phone.

• When placing a call, identify yourself and ask the person you are calling if it is a good time to talk. Be aware that not all people have unlimited minutes. Time is money!

• If your call is dropped, the person who placed the call is the one who should return the call – even if you think the call was dropped by the other person. This avoids the endless calls that go immediately to voice message. Of course, not all people know this; so if the person who placed the call does not call back in a couple minutes, then you probably should call them.

• Do not use your phone during public performances such as movies or the theater.  Even checking your phone can cause light distractions.

• Be aware of background noises. Depending on the sensitivity of your phone, even minor background noises can be very loud to the person on the other end of the call.

• Use a hands-free device when driving so you can focus on driving. It is best to let people you are calling know you are in the car and ask them if they can hear you. 

Note: Your Bluetooth is NOT a fashion accessory. Limit wearing one unless you are using the phone.

Texting Tips

Most importantly, a text is NOT a conversation!  A text is a statement or a question.  Think of a text like a Post-it Note. If you have more information to convey than you can fit on a Post-it Note, consider another form of communication. 

Avoid other activities when texting. Texting while driving is now proven to be more dangerous than drunk driving! And there are plenty of stories of people having accidents while walking and texting.

Email Tips

• Emails are best used for communicating action items, facts, or, friendly hellos. Information should be kept brief and, once sent, can be used as a legal document.

• Think about your email address. It reflects your image and creates an impression about you. Do you really want to be known as “sexykitten@......”?

• Avoid sending chain emails. While you may enjoy them and have time to read them, others do not.

• Carefully consider your background.  Decorative backgrounds often cause technical challenges when replying. The best image for business-minded individuals is a clean white background.

• Create a signature line that includes your appropriate contact information.

• Note the topic in the subject line and keep that string of emails in tack. You don’t want the recipient to have to scramble to locate what had been said previously. When you address a new topic, start a new email.

• When sending an attachment, state what it contains in the body of your email.

• Use the CC feature when you would like to openly include others in your email correspondence. Use BCC when you would like to include others without revealing them to each other. Think before you hit reply. Is your reply intended for everyone on the list, or just one person? 

• Emoticons and abbreviations in texting are fine, provided the recipient knows what they mean; but they should be avoided in emails – especially in business.

• Read your email out loud prior to sending—to check for tone.

Social Media Tips

It is always surprising that some people still think that what they post online is private. It is not! Always ask yourself this question, “Would I want to see this post on the 5 o’clock news tonight?” Give care to what you say and what you post. You DO have an online reputation, and it lives forever!

Photos between friends should be kept private unless your friend gives you permission to post them. Never post a photo that does not show all parties in a positive light.

Just as with face-to-face communication, you need to know your online friends and interact with them appropriately. 

Prior to every communication, ask yourself what is the purpose of this communication, and then select the method that best meets your needs. Whether you’re talking, texting, tweeting, and/or writing on a wall, please remember to be technically polite!

If you would like to learn more about how to communicate with class, please check out my chapter in Image Power at www.finaltouchschool.com — under Etiquette Resources.