"Civility is not a mechanical act. Civility is a condition of the heart." ~ Deborah King

Civility is not something you put on, like a new outfit, in order to impress another to achieve a particular goal. Pure civility must be authentic. Authentic civility springs from a heart that deeply values all people and recognizes that every action somehow affects others. This realization – as you live in a world where you are connected with others, whether you know them or not – requires that you carefully consider everything you say and do.

Discover the Treasure Within
Before you can treat others with care and consideration, you must give care and consideration to yourself.  Recognize that within you resides a priceless treasure, and that treasure exists to be shared. This treasure is something you bring forth out of you, not something you try to get. The more you give, the more you receive.

Frustration Signals Passion
What frustrates you? What, you may ask, does my treasure have to do with frustration? Your frustration may actually be a signal revealing your passion. Not everyone is passionate about the same things as you. There are many things I hear about that I see as unfortunate or horrible, but I am not moved to frustration. When I do find myself being frustrated over and over by an issue, I know to ask myself What can I do to meet this need? 

When you find you are frustrated, take some time to think about how you could bring change in that area. Could you join a group, teach a class, write an article, or develop a new service or product?

Competition Evaporates
Don’t be concerned with the competition. When you give birth to what is within you, there is no competition because there is only one “you”! Never settle for being a cheap imitation of someone else. Teachers, coaches, and trainers can provide importance guidance, but you have to learn to listen and evaluate every situation and discover how you can uniquely meet that need. Acts of incivility often escalate in highly competitive environments. It is vital that you know who you are and what your purpose is.

Plod On, Plod On
As a teen, I heard my pastor say that to be successful in anything in life, you must be like the old plow horse: Each day he plows the field – going back and forth, back and forth. It’s not exciting, but the constant, consistent action produces a great harvest.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and authentic civility does not become commonplace by a single act. Like the old plow horse, you must plod on, plod on, plod . . .
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Mothers fill many roles in the lives of their children, but one role they are not to fill is to be their child’s best friend and lifelong playmate. Today’s mother often has many responsibilities outside the home, including part- or full-time employment, which leaves precious little time for family life. Nevertheless, no matter how tired she is at the end of the day, she is still mom, and no one else can fulfill that role.

As a teacher, protector, and provider of her children, a mother needs to focus on the following: 

• A child must be taught to be compassionate and to empathize with others.
• A child must be taught to respect authority and know how to appeal to authority when needed.
• A child must be taught that every decision he or she makes has consequences and that those consequences will appear sooner or later.
• A child must be taught how to wisely give of themselves to others.
• A child must be taught how to handle conflict.
• A child must be taught how to be grateful and how to appropriately express their gratitude.
• A child must be protected from a life that is too busy to enjoy their childhood.
• A child must be provided a home that is a sanctuary from the storms of life—a safe place to be nurtured physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
• A child must be taught that personal integrity is more important than fame or fortune.

To provide a child with these core values requires the greatest investment: time. We cannot pass off this responsibility to a coach, school, church, or nanny. Children learn by watching us and will do as we do, not as we say. A mom shared with me how angry her teenage son had become over her calling clients to discuss business every time they were in the car together. Her view was that they were spending time together; his view was that she would rather be with someone else.

A mother’s words can encourage a child to attempt a new activity, to press a little harder to reach a goal, to calm a moment of distress, or bind up a broken heart; they can also dash a dream and pierce the heart with pain. We must guard our words so they give life, and look for creative ways to express them. 

Monica Brandner wrote these words to her adult daughter: “Kayla, you are like a pillar. Your inner strength amazes me. You have grown into such a beautiful and strong woman. You make me smile, and I am very proud of you. My love for you runs deep. Keep going for your dreams! You are a world changer!”

Monica said that she has learned that there is no greater investment in her children than her words. The cost is only a few moments of her time. When others use words to try to hurt her children, she is confident that her words will rise up, overrule, and remind them, “My mom says . . . !”

Take time to write a few words of affirmation to your child(ren). They will be a constant reminder of who they are, their destiny, their value, and how much they are loved. Our words and life example will be engraved on their heart and spirit forever and will provide the support they need to face the many challenges of life.

John Adams, the second president of the United States, said: “From all that I had read of history and government of human life and manners, I had drawn this conclusion, that the manners of women were the most infallible barometer to ascertain the degree of morality and virtue of a nation.” —Dee Jepsen, Women Beyond Equal Rights (Waco: Word, 1984), quoted in James Robinson, Attack on the Family (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1981), 33.

The role of women in society cannot be filled by any other. Women uniquely influence the family and the community. Typically, they manage the home, provide the meals, select the clothing, chauffer the children, volunteer at school, church, clubs—the list is almost endless. Over ninety percent of women also work a part- or full-time job.

Balancing all the roles a woman embraces is not easy. Learning how to set priorities and how to say “no” is a necessity. Women simply cannot, and should not, do everything that comes their way. One role they must embrace is raising their children. 

Choice of Clothing
Another area women have a unique opportunity to influence others in is through their clothing choices. Unfortunately, many have followed the trends set by the media. Fashion continually pushes the boundaries of what is acceptable with little regard for the impact on women (and on men). Super thin models, scantily dressed and airbrushed to appear flawless, create an unrealistic ideal of what it means to be beautiful. These images fill the fashion magazines and the minds of our girls, resulting in a loss of self-esteem and the belief that they must dress and look the same if they are to be “pretty” and acceptable in our society.

Unfortunately, many mothers have also yielded to the media pressure. They shop where their daughters shop, and wear what they wear, affirming that being young and sexy is the goal. Modesty has all but evaporated from most closets and feminine bodies.

A woman who knows how to use fashion to dress appropriately for her age, to enhance her body type and coloring, to be fashionable and yet modest, is a joy to all who meet her. The truth is, a woman is always more interesting when she leaves some things to the imagination. A beautifully groomed and dressed woman is a gift to all who meet her and provides an excellent role model for others.

Good Manners
Another area women have an opportunity to influence others in is by the practice and use of good manners. A child learns what they live. A child who is raised in a home where good manners are modeled and valued will always benefit. 

Unfortunately, the media has also set the tone for much of today’s behavior. Television and movies portray children and teens mocking adults and being disrespectful while viewers laugh and enjoy popcorn. The family dinner table has been replaced with drive-through menus and playgrounds. Gifts are expected, and thank-you cards are neglected.

Women uniquely set the standard for the family and for society. They lead others by their dress and behavior. Let’s lead our children to excellence! If you lack the skills you need, seek opportunities to learn them.

Civility Tip – Body Management
You demonstrate kindness and respect for yourself and others through how you manage your body, appearance, and behavior.

1. Maintain a healthy weight.
2. Exercise regularly.
3. Be well groomed.
4. Dress appropriately for the situation.
5. Practice good manners.

When someone first enters a room, what captures your attention? Is it what the person is wearing, his or her smile, eye contact, hair, or some other physical characteristic? Leaders possess a unique quality that enables them to capture the attention of those they meet. Those who have achieved a level of success and mastery in their work also possess this quality. What is it? Confidence! People who are confident “own” the room they enter, communicating to all that they have the skill to handle whatever they may face. Confidence is rated by many as the most attractive feature about someone.  

Do you possess a level of confidence that enables you to move with ease from one situation to the next? Are your children confident in the situations they face? Confidence is not something one is born with; it must be developed.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines confidence as “faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way; the quality or state of being certain.”

Confident people are easily identified the moment they enter a room. They stand tall and move with grace and certainty. They are open to others and look for opportunities to connect with them. They easily meet and greet others and seem to converse effortlessly. Also, they are competent in their abilities without being boastful.

Acquiring confidence comes by learning and practicing a skill until it becomes automatic and natural. Malcom Gladwell, author of The Tipping Point and Outliers, states that one must devote at least 10,000 hours to a given craft before he or she is truly successful with it. Many think confidence and social skills should be mastered by reading a few articles or attending a seminar on the topic. A brief brush with a new skill does not equate to mastery. There must be ongoing learning, followed by practice and feedback, for an extended period of time before a new skill is developed and is truly useful.
 
Developing a higher level of confidence will not only benefit you; it will benefit all those you interact with—most importantly, your children. You cannot give to others what you yourself do not possess. You may not work outside your home, where you need to master a particular skill, but the level of confidence you have will be what you pass on to your children.

We all are products of the people and experiences we’ve been exposed to. Children who have been nurtured in homes rich with social skills are able to master the moments they face. Their success is predictable. As you increase your own confidence, the situations you used to dread, or avoid, will become a source of enjoyment and will open new doors of opportunity for many.

Civility Challenge

Pay attention to those around you. Every act of kindness starts with noticing others. Many uncivil acts are rooted in being in a hurry and unaware. Slow down and consider those you are with at home, at work, and in the marketplace.

“When civility reigns, people rejoice!” –Deborah King

May is International Civility Awareness Month!

Civility begins at home and it begins with every parent. A child who experiences a civil home will be more likely to act in a civil manner at school and in the community. This is the foundation of a civil society. It is not the color of our skin, our political or religious differences, or our physical borders that divide us, but rather, the borders of our heart, our spirit, and our mind. 

If civility is not taught and modeled in the home, there is little chance for a civil society. Civility requires character, confidence and class. By modeling positive behavior, you will train your children to be civil while inspiring others.
 
It takes everyone involved in the life of a child to teach him or her how to live with kindness and respect for self, others, and the environment. Children must recognize they are part of a larger whole and that every action of theirs, somehow impacts others. This knowledge, once mastered, will enable a child to handle life’s situations with confidence and grace.  I love civility! It is the foundation of a healthy society.

“Civility knows no boundaries, speaks every language, crosses every time zone, thrives in every culture, connects with every generation, is available to every person, and improves every situation.” Deborah King

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Mealtime 
 
Make family mealtime a priority. Children who eat regular meals together with their family do better in school, are less likely to use drugs, and are emotionally healthier.  Overloaded schedules make gathering around the dinner table each night a challenge for many families. If this describes your situation, consider what you can do. Maybe you could reserve Sunday for family dinners, or maybe breakfast would be a better option. Start where you can. Here are some tips for encouraging civility at mealtime.

• Involve the entire family in preparing the meal.
• Not a master chef? Learn a few simple recipes you can prepare together.
• No time for food preparation? Consider purchasing prepared food and serving it on your own dishes.
• Think nutrition. What is one thing you could do that would improve your family’s diet?
• Set the table and sit down to eat.
• Turn off the television, cell phones, computers, and other technical devices.
• Practice table manners. Many families use my Etiquette Flash Cards as a fun and easy way to learn and discuss manners around the table.
• Encourage positive table talk from all family members. 
• Involve the entire family in the clean-up process.

The benefits from meals eaten together are well worth the effort.  Around the table manners and civility are learned and lifelong bonds are established.

Civil Communication Tips 

Civil people consider their language and how it may affect others. This is especially true at home. The words spoken to and around a child frames the way he or she views the world. A child who is exposed to language that is vulgar, violent, mean-spirited, and demeaning may become withdrawn and depressed, or he or she may act out in the same manner toward others. A child who experiences language that is kind, loving, thoughtful, and encouraging is more likely to feel safe and view the world and others in a positive way. A civil home embraces respectful language.

• Think before you speak. Just because you can say something does not mean you should. The age old advice, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” requires self-control and still applies today.
• Say please and thank you often. In one of my children’s etiquette programs a child raised her hand and asked when she would be old enough to not have to say please and thank you anymore. I was surprised by her question and asked her why she was asking. She said she never hears her parents saying please and thank you and wanted to know when she could also quit. Fred Astaire said that "the hardest job kid’s face these days is learning good manners without seeing any."
• Respect the elderly and those in authority. Parents, grandparents, teachers, clergy, and government officials should be honored for the position they hold. When disagreements arise, demeaning language or rude behavior is not tolerated; instead, you look for ways to respectfully appeal to authority. 
• Learn how to resolve conflict. Being civil does not mean you must agree with everyone, nor does it mean that you should avoid difficult issues. When faced with conflict, keep the focus on the issue –not the person.  Instead of being judgmental, try being empathetic. Imagine what it may be like to be in the other person’s shoes. Listen for the things that you have in common and that you can agree upon. This helps to keep the tone of the conversation positive. At times, you may simply need to agree to disagree.
• Establish technology free zones. During these times everyone unplugs and focuses on those who are present. Children who primarily communicate through technology are not developing valuable face-to-face communication skills. In fact, I have parents tell me they have started texting just so they could communicate with their teen. While texting has its place and value, it cannot replace face-to-face communication. Family mealtimes are a great place to establish a technology free zone. This provides family members the opportunity to learn about what has taken place in each person’s day. During this time, communication is focused and verbal and nonverbal skills are developed.

Hosting Guests

Inviting guests into your home requires preparation of your home and your heart.  Careful consideration should be given to how you can make your guest feel welcome. A home that is welcoming is clean and family members are kind and inclusive.  Here are a few tips for teaching your children how to be a good host.

• Greet your guest at the door with a smile and invite them into your home.
• Introduce your guest to family members.
• Offer your guest something to eat or drink.
• Ask your guest what they would like to do.
• Include your guest in activities and conversation.
• Walk your guest to the door and thank him or her for coming.

Being a Guest

It is a privilege to be invited into someone’s home, and this generosity should not be taken lightly. Being a host requires a great deal of time, thought, and expense. A thoughtful guest will show they appreciate their host in the following ways.

• R.S.V.P. This is a French term that simply means ‘please reply’. Every invitation deserves a prompt reply.
• Dress appropriately. Be well groomed and choose clothing that is appropriate for the event. Clothing that is inappropriate, sloppy, or too revealing, does not honor your host.
• Be on time. Arriving early, or late, is inconsiderate.
• Bring a hostess gift. Never appear empty handed. A small gift acknowledges the effort of your host. 
• Joyfully participate. Participate in positive conversation and the activities that are planned.
• Thank your host. Never underestimate the power of a handwritten note.

Being a thoughtful host, or guest, is rooted in your attitude and is demonstrated through your appearance, words, and actions.

Family Members

As wonderful as guests are, no one can ever replace the valuable relationship of a family member. Civility at home begins with how you treat those who live in your home.

A friend once shared with me that she insisted her children treat each family member as well, or better than, they would treat their most honored guest. This was not negotiable. If one child had a guest over to play and treated a brother or sister rudely, or spoke mean-spirited words to another family member, the guest was sent home and the offender was required to serve the offended. This may include cleaning their sibling’s room, or doing one of their chores. Today, she enjoys the company of five adult children who know how to honor others. 

Honor the elderly. In our youth-absorbed culture, the feeble and elderly are often set aside. Remember to include senior family members in conversation, activities, and daily life as much as possible.

Family interactions provide a beautiful environment where each member learns how to demonstrate honor, respect, and value for all other members. Yes, there are times family members can be a challenge, but a spirit of love and respect for each member must never be compromised.

Volunteer

Civility involves the art and act of caring for others.  Too many children grow up never learning what it means to selflessly serve others. Parents, eager to provide their child with every comfort and opportunity possible, overlook the tremendous value of service. A polite child is willing to serve others.

• Cultivate empathy in yourself and your children. Treat all people with dignity, respect and kindness; from the garbage collector to the President - from those who have little, to those who have much. Children who learn that a person’s worth is not based on what they have or the position they hold, but rather, on who they choose to be, are embracing the heart of civility.

• Service begins at home.  Encourage family members to participate in serving each other. Start each day by greeting all with a smile and hello. When getting a snack, ask others present if they would also like a snack. Family members should be treated with the same thoughtfulness as a special guest. 

• Giving is an act of civility. Everyone has something to give - a smile, a kind word, a helping hand, or a financial gift. There are endless opportunities to serve in your community. Do some research and find a place where you and your family can serve others and truly make a difference.

The Golden Rule
Treat others as you would like to be treated. This timeless advice still has value today. When a child is taught to stop and think about how they feel when they are treated rudely, they are more likely to avoid treating others rudely.  In thinking of others, empathy is developed. I ask children in classes how they feel when their friend, who has come over to their house to play, leaves a big mess for them to clean-up. They passionately share how mad they are at their friend for helping to make the mess, but not willing to help clean it up. This example provides opportunity to remind them how important it is to always clean-up when they are the guest.

Once a child has mastered the golden rule, it is time to introduce the platinum rule - treat others as they would like to be treated.  Whereas, the golden rule works nicely when applied with those who come from a similar background or culture, the platinum rule requires a person think about the person they are with, the needs of that person, and what would be the best way to interact with them. Have you heard the adage ‘when in Rome do as the Romans do’? That applies here, for example, if your friend takes off his shoes when entering his home and that is not something you typically do, you would need to remove yours as well so that you would not offend him.

A Peaceful Home
A peaceful home is a happy home. Stressful, unhappy environments challenge civil behavior.  Times of stress can result in bad attitudes and create a combustible condition.  Have you ever tried to be polite and thoughtful when you were stressed or in a bad mood? It is nearly impossible. You may be able to utter polite words, but the tone of the message is abrasive and void of sincerity.

Keep uncivil behavior out of your home. Most people would not invite someone into their home that would personally treat them rude or create chaos within the family. Yet, many will choose music, movies, video games, and television programs that promote and celebrate unkind and uncivil behavior. Carefully consider who and what you bring into your home.