Hosting Guests

Inviting guests into your home requires preparation of your home and your heart.  Careful consideration should be given to how you can make your guest feel welcome. A home that is welcoming is clean and family members are kind and inclusive.  Here are a few tips for teaching your children how to be a good host.

• Greet your guest at the door with a smile and invite them into your home.
• Introduce your guest to family members.
• Offer your guest something to eat or drink.
• Ask your guest what they would like to do.
• Include your guest in activities and conversation.
• Walk your guest to the door and thank him or her for coming.

Being a Guest

It is a privilege to be invited into someone’s home, and this generosity should not be taken lightly. Being a host requires a great deal of time, thought, and expense. A thoughtful guest will show they appreciate their host in the following ways.

• R.S.V.P. This is a French term that simply means ‘please reply’. Every invitation deserves a prompt reply.
• Dress appropriately. Be well groomed and choose clothing that is appropriate for the event. Clothing that is inappropriate, sloppy, or too revealing, does not honor your host.
• Be on time. Arriving early, or late, is inconsiderate.
• Bring a hostess gift. Never appear empty handed. A small gift acknowledges the effort of your host. 
• Joyfully participate. Participate in positive conversation and the activities that are planned.
• Thank your host. Never underestimate the power of a handwritten note.

Being a thoughtful host, or guest, is rooted in your attitude and is demonstrated through your appearance, words, and actions.

Family Members

As wonderful as guests are, no one can ever replace the valuable relationship of a family member. Civility at home begins with how you treat those who live in your home.

A friend once shared with me that she insisted her children treat each family member as well, or better than, they would treat their most honored guest. This was not negotiable. If one child had a guest over to play and treated a brother or sister rudely, or spoke mean-spirited words to another family member, the guest was sent home and the offender was required to serve the offended. This may include cleaning their sibling’s room, or doing one of their chores. Today, she enjoys the company of five adult children who know how to honor others. 

Honor the elderly. In our youth-absorbed culture, the feeble and elderly are often set aside. Remember to include senior family members in conversation, activities, and daily life as much as possible.

Family interactions provide a beautiful environment where each member learns how to demonstrate honor, respect, and value for all other members. Yes, there are times family members can be a challenge, but a spirit of love and respect for each member must never be compromised.

Volunteer

Civility involves the art and act of caring for others.  Too many children grow up never learning what it means to selflessly serve others. Parents, eager to provide their child with every comfort and opportunity possible, overlook the tremendous value of service. A polite child is willing to serve others.

• Cultivate empathy in yourself and your children. Treat all people with dignity, respect and kindness; from the garbage collector to the President - from those who have little, to those who have much. Children who learn that a person’s worth is not based on what they have or the position they hold, but rather, on who they choose to be, are embracing the heart of civility.

• Service begins at home.  Encourage family members to participate in serving each other. Start each day by greeting all with a smile and hello. When getting a snack, ask others present if they would also like a snack. Family members should be treated with the same thoughtfulness as a special guest. 

• Giving is an act of civility. Everyone has something to give - a smile, a kind word, a helping hand, or a financial gift. There are endless opportunities to serve in your community. Do some research and find a place where you and your family can serve others and truly make a difference.

The Golden Rule
Treat others as you would like to be treated. This timeless advice still has value today. When a child is taught to stop and think about how they feel when they are treated rudely, they are more likely to avoid treating others rudely.  In thinking of others, empathy is developed. I ask children in classes how they feel when their friend, who has come over to their house to play, leaves a big mess for them to clean-up. They passionately share how mad they are at their friend for helping to make the mess, but not willing to help clean it up. This example provides opportunity to remind them how important it is to always clean-up when they are the guest.

Once a child has mastered the golden rule, it is time to introduce the platinum rule - treat others as they would like to be treated.  Whereas, the golden rule works nicely when applied with those who come from a similar background or culture, the platinum rule requires a person think about the person they are with, the needs of that person, and what would be the best way to interact with them. Have you heard the adage ‘when in Rome do as the Romans do’? That applies here, for example, if your friend takes off his shoes when entering his home and that is not something you typically do, you would need to remove yours as well so that you would not offend him.

A Peaceful Home
A peaceful home is a happy home. Stressful, unhappy environments challenge civil behavior.  Times of stress can result in bad attitudes and create a combustible condition.  Have you ever tried to be polite and thoughtful when you were stressed or in a bad mood? It is nearly impossible. You may be able to utter polite words, but the tone of the message is abrasive and void of sincerity.

Keep uncivil behavior out of your home. Most people would not invite someone into their home that would personally treat them rude or create chaos within the family. Yet, many will choose music, movies, video games, and television programs that promote and celebrate unkind and uncivil behavior. Carefully consider who and what you bring into your home.

The Importance of Others
How do parents raise up children to be civil? There is no easy answer, but there are things you can do to support your children in the process. One of the ways you help your children to gain a healthy self-esteem is to teach them the value and importance of others.

As parents, it is not enough to tell your children to be kind - you must also model kind behavior and provide practical ways they can experience kindness in daily life. Here are some practical ways to promote civility with your children.

• Bring attention to kind behavior when you see it. This teaches your child to notice kindness and encourages him or her to repeat the behavior. Children love to act in ways that gain positive attention.  “Look, that man is being so kind to hold the door open for that lady.”   “That little girl is sitting so nicely at the table and using her napkin.” “You were so kind to stand up and give Grandpa your chair.”

• Role play various situations. Something I did with my children from the time when they were very young was to talk about possible life situations that they may face and ask them what they would do if they were in that situation. I chose times when we were driving to the store or school, or doing another activity.  At first, the situations included topics like sharing a toy, or how to treat a friend who came to visit. As they grew, the situations expanded to include how they might deal with strangers, what to do if someone is gossiping, and questions regarding ethics.

• Be quick to reward positive behavior with a smile, a pat on the back, words of praise, or a special privilege. As positive behavior is rewarded, negative behavior must be addressed. If your child is playing a game and loses, he or she must not be allowed to say mean things to the winner, pout, or be rude. Life has challenges, is often difficult, and everyone does not receives a trophy. Real winners have an honest view of himself or herself and know how to win and lose gracefully.

Children are often encouraged to “put on their best manners” when a guest comes to their home or when they go to an important event -- as though “putting on” their best manners was like putting on a special outfit they might wear. The real goal should be to have manners become a part of them. But who should teach children to be civil and well-mannered?

Importance of Parenting
A parent is the most important teacher in a child’s life. Children learn what behavior and manners are important based on what they see and hear at home. Those lessons are daily and lasting.

While raising my children, I was keenly aware that they were watching and listening not only to what I said, but more importantly, to what I lived. While many of these lessons are presented through verbal instruction, the most powerful lessons are demonstrated in what children experience at home. Ideally, these lessons would be reinforced at school, through the media, and in the community; but sadly today, that’s often not the case, and therefore, modeling civility at home is more important than ever.

Positive Reinforcement
As with any skill, repetition is the key to success. No skill is learned, let alone mastered, by limited exposure. A child doesn’t learn to read by attending a single reading class. Neither are manners and civility learned in a single lesson. 

Parents often go to great lengths to help their child learn to be the best in athletics, in the arts, or academically. While these skills are part of a child’s development, the primary goal of every parent should be to raise a child to be a healthy productive part of society; it is this child that will experience a happy, healthy life, as well as be an effective leader in their generation.

Michael Jordan wasn’t a great basketball player because he understood the rules of the game; he was great because he practiced and internalized the game to the point that he knew instinctively what to do in any situation on the court. For manners and civility to become truly useful, they must first be learned, then practiced, and finally become automatic.

What do you dream of accomplishing? Now imagine that life has no limits. Would you like to learn a new skill, complete an unfinished project, or launch into something new? How will you feel when you succeed?

What is holding you back? If your answer is time or money, people always find a way to accomplish what is urgent, or strongly desired. Too often, the important is set aside for the urgent. And it is the important that brings long-term fulfillment. Many young people, after graduating from high school, focus on the urgent; they get a job so they can buy a car, go shopping, and enjoy life—instead of making the important choice of attending college. This short-term pleasure usually ends in long-term dissatisfaction and pain. 

People regularly express how sad it is that our world is not as civil, polite, and well dressed as it once was. They are frustrated by rude salespeople, tired of those who freely chat or text on their cell phones when with others, and long to go to church or out to dinner with people who don’t look like they should be home cleaning out the garage. Although many have a working knowledge of social skills, they wish they had learned more when they were children. They say, “If I were younger and had the extra money and more time, then I would take a class!”

Eighty-five percent of success in life is based on strong social skills. What if you improved your skills—even just slightly? Is it possible that the quality of your life at home, in the community, and in the workplace might also improve? Over the years I have worked with thousands of individuals who finally chose to make their image and social skills a priority. Without exception, every person experienced greater confidence and enjoyed new opportunities that had previously been closed to them.

Set aside all limits and make a list of the things you would like to accomplish. Then select one of those items and make a step-by-step plan. Finally, place it on your calendar—and make it urgent! Accomplishing your dream will make you feel great!

Ladies, if you would like to polish your social skills, join me for our Art of Confident Living Course, in Grapevine, Texas, on April 16 from 9:00 to 5:00.

So, what is a “date”? Letitia Baldrige, world-famous etiquette expert, defines a date as any time two people agree to meet on a specific day at a specific time for the purpose of doing something special. Often we think of a date only in a romantic context, but we also set dates with our family and friends.

Dates have become increasingly more casual, and manners seem to have been set aside in favor of letting whatever may happen, happen. The wonderful experience of dating, in which we enter into new relationships or celebrate seasoned ones, has lost some of its sparkle. A date is the perfect time to let someone know how special he or she is to you. Tending to the details not only enhances the experience but also demonstrates the level of respect and honor we have toward the other person.

The Invitation
• Chose an event you both will enjoy. Inviting the quarterback to a ballet may not be the best choice.
• Give proper notice. A casual date requires less notice than a formal date.
• Select the correct method for extending the invitation—email, telephone, face-to-face, or written.
• Remember that the invitation sets the stage for the event, so be creative.
• Respond promptly to the invitation. RSVP!
• Handle rejection graciously. “Thank you for the invitation. I am sorry I will not be able to attend the event.”

Preparation
• Select clothing that is appropriate and honoring of the person and the event.
• Be on time. Self-centered people make others wait for them.
• Think of things to talk about before the date, so you are not left speechless.
• Practice safety. Make sure others know whom you are going with, where you are going, and when you expect to return.

On the Date
• Greet your date with a smile and eye contact. Please, do not honk your horn announcing your arrival.
• Introduce yourself to any present family members or roommates.
• Be financially responsible.
• Avoid public displays of affection. Holding hands is charming; making out in the movie theater is not!
• Be positive, and plan to have fun.
• Practice good manners. Rude behavior is the silent killer of many relationships.

Ending the Date
• Unless other arrangements were made during the invitation, the person who does the inviting does the paying.
• Don’t forget to say thank you, or better yet, send a written note.

May I have seconds, please? This common request around the dinner table is often answered positively. In many homes, there is an abundance of food presented at mealtime; and since food is the primary focus, little thought is given to those being dined with.

 

The Real Purpose

 

In dining classes, I inform students that the purpose of coming to the table is not about the food. The real purpose is to build relationships with those we are dining with; and, yes, we are also going to eat. The idea of coming to the table for any reason other than to get food from point A to point B is shocking to many. But, when our focus is on others and the opportunity to “break bread” with them, being picky about the menu seems out of place—as does answering our cell phone, engaging in upsetting conversation, or leaving the table before everyone has finished. Most meals are completed in about an hour, and certainly we can give our undivided attention for that amount of time to those we care about.

 

In asking students why they leave the table during a meal, they cite all sorts of excuses: “I need to go to the restroom; I’m tired of sitting up straight; I don’t know what to talk about; I want to use my cell phone.” In short, the real reason most leave the table is boredom. Rarely is it for a true emergency. The cure for boredom is to understand the dining process, develop effective communication skills, and place the focus on others.

 

Leave the Table?

 

When I was in Washington, D.C., in 2006, I had the opportunity to be Letitia Baldrige’s tablemate for dinner. During the elegant, five-hour, multi-course meal, I thought many times about those who have said that they could not remain seated for an entire meal. So, when should I leave the table? During the main course? No; if I had not finished my entrée before leaving, no one else could proceed to the next course until I returned. That certainly would not have created goodwill. Simply knowing that my napkin goes on my chair for a brief leave was not enough. What part of the table talk did I want to miss out on? As I sat there, enjoying course after course, participating in lively conversation, there was not one moment I would have missed. Never again would I be able to experience this moment in time. Never again would I be able to dance this dance. There would be no “seconds” served.

 

Fully Live Each Moment

 

How often do we miss out on precious moments with our children in the rush to get on to the next activity, only to wish later in life that we could go back and relive them? There is no dress rehearsal for life. This is the one-and-only act. The moments spent with a child, being fully present, are the moments that weave together—the memories they will cherish for a lifetime.

 

Life offers no “seconds.” So let’s fully live each moment and take the time to focus on what matters most: our relationships.

 

I think most of us have goals and dreams that we would love to see become reality. It has been said that the greatest hindrance to achieving goals is not too little time; it is too many excuses. To that I would like to add a lack of focus.

1. A goal must be written. Writing your goals is the first step to accomplishing them.

2. A goal must be measurable. Write your goals in terms of results, not efforts.

3. A goal must be challenging. Your goals need to inspire and motivate you.

4. A goal must be believable. Ask yourself, “Can I see myself achieving this?”

5. A goal must be consistent. Your goals must be compatible with your other goals and priorities.

6. A goal must be dynamic. The best goals are those that keep expanding.

7. A goal must be desirable. You will do what it takes to accomplish something you really desire.

8. A goal must be stated positively. Write your goals as though they were already accomplished. If you would like your goals to have even greater impact, read them out loud every day.

I have six areas I create goals for each year. Each area targets a different part of my life and ensures that I maintain balance. I can easily get focused on just one or two areas – my work being one of them – and neglect other areas that may not be urgent, but are equally as important.

The Six F’s of Goal Setting

    1. Family
    2. Friendships
    3. Finances
    4. Faith
    5. Fitness
    6. Fun

As an example of how to set an effective goal, let’s consider fitness. Everyone would like to be in better shape and overall health, but how many years have come and gone and nothing has really changed for you?  First, identify what success means to you – not someone else. Second, what will you need to do to achieve your goal? Is it believable? Maybe your dream would be to lose 50 pounds or to run a marathon, but if you struggle losing 5 pounds and don’t even own a pair of running shoes, you are not likely to believe your goal is achievable.

A possible affirmation might read something like this: “I weigh _____ pounds. I love to eat healthy and nutritious meals, full of fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grains, and lean protein. I look forward to my time on the treadmill, swimming, or lifting weights (your choice) for thirty minutes, five days a week. I am healthy and strong.”

Then make a weekly plan on how you will achieve your goals. Discover new ways to shop and prepare food. Identify a fun way to make exercise a part of your daily life. Think and speak healthy. It is amazing how this will change your focus and move you to better health.
 
Apply this same technique to each of the six areas. If you do, you will realize that the small changes throughout the year will move you closer to achieving your goals.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”  –C. S. Lewis

 

People do business with those they know, like, and trust. In fact, they will drive further and spend more if they know they’ll be treated well.

Business owners focus a great deal of time, effort, and finances on how they can attract new customers and increase their profits. But, have you ever noticed that slick ads and marketing gimmicks alone do not generate long-term business success?

Eight-five percent of a person's success in business is based on strong social skills, and only fifteen percent is based on technical ability. Being excellent in your craft will provide you with a necessary and important skill set, but being excellent in social skills will be the key to connecting you with the marketplace. This is the true essence of marketing.

Social capital is better than money in the bank, and it’s recession proof! Interestingly, we never really know how much we have in our social bank account until we need to make a withdrawal.

What is social capital?

Simply put, it is our relationships. Social capital is the relationships that we have with our vendors, our competitors, and our customers. It is through these relationships that valuable networks are formed where we can solve problems and generate business.

Social capital requires integrity

We must be people of our word. When I say I am going to do something, I must follow through. Warren Buffet said that it takes 20 years to build a reputation and only five minutes to ruin it. I must be the same person at home as I am  in the office and at Wal-Mart.

Social capital requires that I develop an ability to work effectively with all types of people, from all types of backgrounds. The better I am at connecting with a variety of people, the more social capital I will create.

Six ways you can increase your social capital

1. Maintain a positive attitude.
2. Truly value your client   -   not just their money.
3. Make it a priority to really “see” others by practicing the Art of Acknowledgment.
4. Become a better listener. Learn to listen beyond their words to hear their heart. What is it that they need - not just what you want to give to them.  Consider how you can help them meet that need. 
5. Look for ways to invest in others, and help them achieve their goals.
6. Be consistent! Small, consistent, daily acts add up and make a difference.

What can you expect in return for your social investment?

Great wealth - a wealth that has the power to endure the storms of life. When you invest $1,000 in your bank, your return is limited to whatever the current interest rate may be. With social capital, however, your investment can mushroom far beyond what you can imagine.

Remember the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life?   In that movie George Bailey realized the true secret of wealth was not in what he had tried to locked away in some bank, but rather it was what was released through the relationships he had created.  He discovered, much to his surprise, that he was a very rich man.

One of the greatest examples I can think of regarding someone who has created social wealth is Kim Tinkham. You can’t meet a person in Wise County who doesn’t know her and who doesn’t speak about her with the highest regard.

Kim welcomed every person she met with a huge smile, a warm handshake, and friendly hello. She was genuinely interested in you, and wanted to know how she could support you. Kim walked with integrity, kindness and compassion.

Kim and I spent countless hours over the years at Starbucks talking about these and other issues. I know one of Kim’s greatest desires was that everyone would become a mega-millionaire in social capital. She knew it has the power to carry you through the good times, as well as the challenging times, and - as a bonus- it’s tax free!

For 2011, let’s purpose to increase our social capital by investing in those we come in contact with so that next Christmas we all can say we are social capital mega-millionaires!