BLOG.CIVILITYCHAT.COM

Goal Setting Tips that Work

Deborah King — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:01:05 GMT

As a teenager I loved the idea of making New Year’s resolutions. It was fun thinking about all the things in life I would like to change. I viewed this process much like asking a fairy godmother to grant me three wishes, that somehow, just by asking, I would be granted my request. The idea of hard work and focus to bring about change did not enter my mind. I am sure my list read something like lose weight and save money. This makes me chuckle today since I maintained a healthy weight, and without a goal for saving money, what was the point? Like many teens, I did not realize the value personal reflection and planning had to direct my life.

Over time I did give up making meaningless New Year’s resolutions in favor of setting believable, measurable, and challenging goals that would define my destiny.

Start With the End in Mind

Why do you want to achieve a particular goal? The more fully you can answer this question the more motivation you will have to achieve it. To set a financial goal to save for retirement, while being important, may not be enough to motive you. Take time to think through what you would like your retirement to look like and then research what it will take financially to make that a reality.

Pictures are powerful. Consider creating a visual storyboard of what you envision your life looking like when you achieve your goal as a way to help you stay motivated.

Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude

Many goals are defeated by negative self-talk that fuels a defeatist attitude. A positive attitude is vital for achieving your goals.

Write your goal out as though you already have achieved it using positive and motivating language. For example, “I look forward to my daily workout. It is fun! I love how I feel and how all my clothes fit.” Post this where you can read it every day. Words are powerful and how you speak about yourself and your goals will either motivate you or defeat you.

You Are Who You Hang With

Surround yourself with people who will support your goals. If your goal is to improve your food choices for better health, hanging out with those who load up on soda, fast-food, and large portion sizes will be a challenge. Find a friend who loves to work out, eat healthy, and enjoys a fit lifestyle. Time spent with people who have mastered a goal you are working toward will prove to be motivating and inspiring.

The beginning of the year is a natural time to reflect, refocus, and reframe your life. Take some time to think about what you would like your life to look like next year, in five years, and twenty years. The choices you make today will create the life you will live tomorrow. Here is to your success!

Qualities of a Friend

Deborah King — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 21:17:30 GMT

“Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.” Aristotle

Friendships are created in many ways. You meet them at school, work, church and the gym. You text, email, tweet, and befriend them on Facebook. The dictionary describes a friend as one who is attached to another by affection or esteem; they are not hostile; they are a favored companion. Whatever your definition of friend is, a friend is a vital part of a happy life.

There are many types of friendships. Some are for a season and others are for a lifetime. Friends enrich your life and give meaning to your existence. They celebrate your victories, encourage you through difficult situations and stand with you in tragedy. It has been said that a friend is one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.

Casual friendships provide many social opportunities and pleasures. It is through these friendships that much of life takes place. These friends may know some of the details of your personal life, but most interactions are focused on business or the group that united them. A healthy individual will enjoy many friendships at this level.

Intimate friendships are few, requiring a larger investment and transparency. These friends know a great deal about you. Over time, trust is created. Here, each person feels safe to share the things that bring them joy, as well as pain.

The qualities of a friend are many, but the foundation is trust. A friend trusts you will treat them with kindness in all you say and do. You listen not only to their words, but to their heart; you are patient , not expecting them to do everything on your timetable; you are forgiving, knowing they are not perfect; you are loyal, even when they are not present; you are a confidant, not sharing their secrets; you empathize, doing your best to understand their feelings and point of view; you are a peacemaker, agreeing to disagree when needed; you are respectful, letting their no, be no; you are an encourager, speaking words of life that inspire; you always believe the best of your friend.

Choose your friends carefully, for you will become like them.

Civil Holidays

Deborah King — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:42:42 GMT

The holiday season stirs our memories, our emotions, and our dreams. It’s a time of celebrations, decorations, gifts, and communication. Some people, with overflowing calendars, are stressed by a lengthy to-do list. Others are alone, and the silence and absence of activity is painfully deafening.

No matter what your level of activity is this holiday season, make civility your focus. Pause and really “see” those you come in contact with. Too often, we forget the purpose behind all the activity. Don’t let the “to-do” list become so important that you run over others in the process. Remember, there are many who are lonely, hurting, and in need. You could be the one who brightens their day and lightens their load by a simple act of kindness.

Civility in Public Places

Driving, parking, waiting in lines, and navigating through crowds can make even the sweetest person grumpy. Being thoughtful and polite is not easy to do when you’re stressed. Before you venture out to go shopping, make sure you’re dressed comfortably and you’ve had a bite to eat. Pinched toes and growling stomachs do not make for good attitudes. Before you can care for others, you must first care for yourself.

Civility is Giving

Civility is giving of yourself to others. Be on the lookout for creative ways to be kind. Family members should top the list. Treat those closest to you at least as kind as you would a stranger. A kind word, a helping hand, or a smile can be an unexpected gift that brightens another person’s day.

Twelve Days of Kindness

This holiday season, give the gift of kindness. On your own, or with your family, make a list of twelve random acts of kindness you can do during the holiday season. Starting with Day 1, see how many times you can do that random act as you go about your day. Maybe it would be opening the door for others. On Day 2, move to your second random act of kindness. It might be letting someone go ahead of you to make a purchase, or paying for a cup of coffee for the person in line behind you. Keep a journal of each act, how you felt, and how others responded.

The gift of civility, given from a caring heart, has the power to change the reality of those touched. Maybe twelve days will turn into a year of random acts of kindness!

Check out our “Caught in the Act!” Civility Cards! They’re a great way to acknowledge another person’s act of kindness! http://www.finaltouchschool.net/prod_caughtinactcards.htm

Prepare for the Holidays

Deborah King — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 14:16:05 GMT

How do you create happy celebrations and wonderful memories while avoiding holiday stress? The key is preparation!

Prepare your calendar
Carefully consider your calendar and what holiday events are realistic to add to your schedule. Choose activities that are most important to you first, and then add other options as time permits. Remember, an overloaded schedule is guaranteed to create stress.

Prepare your budget
Be realistic about what you can comfortably spend for gifts, decorations, meals, and holiday events. Challenge yourself to make this holiday season credit free! If you do, you will ring in 2012 with peace and joy.

Prepare your decorations
Schedule one of your holiday events as the actual day that you decorate. Involve the entire family, play your favorite holiday music, and enjoy a festive meal. This is a great way to usher in the holiday season and create wonderful family memories.

Prepare your menus
Plan your meals, and shop in advance. This will ensure you have the items you need on hand, so you are not rushing to the store at the last minute, thus saving you both time and money. How often do you run to the store to pick up just one item and leave with several extras that caught your eye?

Prepare your guest list
For those events you are hosting, it is best to select your guests and send your invitations out early. Remember, everyone is especially challenged with balancing their schedule at this time of year.

For those events you are invited to attend, please R.S.V.P. – promptly! It is an honor to be invited to any event and absolutely thoughtless to not R.S.V.P. If you are unable to attend the event, simply thank your host and let her or him know you have another commitment. If you said you will attend, then you must – unless there is a dire emergency. If there is, please promptly call your host. To say you will attend and then be a no-show is simply rude.

Prepare your gifts
Select gifts based on your budget, relationship, and desire – not pressure or guilt. The best gifts are often the most simple. Gifts should be personal; people may appreciate a gift card, but no one ever forgets a gift selected just for them.

Prepare your attitude
Stress and fatigue make it difficult to maintain a positive attitude. Eat healthy meals, get enough rest, exercise regularly, and keep a stress-free schedule. A good attitude is far more enjoyable than a perfectly set table and beautiful meal served by a cranky person.

Prepare your memories
Find a way to record the holidays. Take photos, videos, scrapbook, or keep a journal. Pause often and really take in the moments.

Prepare your thank you
Purchase a box of thank-you cards in advance, so you are prepared. And don’t forget the stamps! Look for opportunities to express gratitude to others. There is no better way to end the year and usher in a new one.

“An important key to self-confidence is preparation.” –Arthur Ashe

Amazing Career Advice From Dogs

Deborah King — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 18:40:34 GMT

Laura Allan, MA, LMHC, CPC, Guest Writer

You can learn a lot from watching dogs. If you want to be happier at work and move ahead in your career, try to think more like a dog. Yes, for real!

Become Happier at Work:

1. Show your enthusiasm. Learn to love whatever you're doing. When your job seems routine, remind yourself of its purpose, whether that's to provide for your family or invent a new medicine. Sometimes just smiling will make you feel more joyful.

2. Greet everybody. Take the time to wish everyone a good morning before you settle down to your tasks. Your relationships with your co-workers play a huge role in your job satisfaction. Create a friendly atmosphere by exchanging daily pleasantries.

3. Lend others your support. Take a break from your own concerns to notice how your colleagues are feeling. When stress levels are high, offer your assistance and encouragement. You'll feel good about helping out, and people will be more likely to reciprocate when you need a hand.

4. Give early warnings. Minor workplace conflicts can escalate if they're allowed to fester. Speak out tactfully at the first sign of a misunderstanding. This will make your work environment much more pleasant than just growling right before you bite.

5. Bounce back from conflicts. Forget about holding grudges. Put any unpleasant experiences behind you and demonstrate your willingness to cooperate with everybody to get the job done.

6. Follow your instincts. Sometimes you have to respond to unfamiliar situations without much time to prepare. Trust your instincts when you need to take a risk. If it's your first time giving a staff presentation, boost your confidence by adapting what you already know from your days on the student debate team.

7. Get plenty of sleep. You may never be able to arrange your schedule to get as much sleep as your dog, but you can still strive for 8 hours every night. Adequate rest is critical to your mental health.

How to Advance in Your Career:

1. Show off your accomplishments. Humility is an admirable quality, but sometimes you need to promote yourself. Watch how dogs soak up positive attention without looking like they're bragging. Use your success stories to your advantage in job evaluations and interviews.

2. Follow the rules. How does a dog know which objects are okay to chew? The logic behind some rules may elude you, but it's usually best to go along with them to preserve order in the workplace.

3. Practice active listening. Your co-workers are bound to value you more if you take a sincere interest in them. Listen respectfully to what others may be able to teach you.

4. Persist. Persistence is a big part of success. Stay focused and keep on the trail no matter what obstacles arise. If you get blocked from digging under the fence, maybe you can persuade someone to open the gate for you.

5. Reduce waste. Mail carriers and couriers perform valuable jobs, but many dogs obviously would prefer a paper-free world. Some dogs also regard as edible the many things that humans throw away. Impress your boss and help the environment by cutting down on paper waste and recycling more.

6. Contribute to the pack. Above all, think beyond your own interests to participate as a team player. Take satisfaction in working together to achieve common goals and improve everyone's well being. You can accomplish much more working with others than you ever could on your own.

Although chasing your tail may not get you anywhere in life, dogs are otherwise great role models for becoming more content and productive at work.

To learn more about Laura Allen visit www.LauraAllanCounseling.com

Holiday Entertaining

Deborah King — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 17:31:54 GMT

Entertaining is not exclusive to the holidays, but the holidays do invite more opportunities to entertain. For some, entertaining is as easy as breathing. For others, the thought of inviting guests into their home for a meal is breath-taking! All the cleaning, shopping, cooking, and then cleaning again become overwhelming and stressful. It is simply easier to go to a restaurant and let someone else handle the details. As lovely as a meal out can be, however, it can never replace the warmth and intimacy of a meal shared around a family table.

To entertain with style does not require the best linens, perfectly set table, finest cuisine, or grand home. What it does require is a host and guests who are kind and thoughtful, and understand that true hospitality is a gift given from a generous heart.

The Happy Host
A happy host begins with the end in mind. The goal is to nurture established relationships as well as cultivate new ones. For your guests to have a pleasant experience, you must have a pleasant experience, and that requires thoughtful preparation. If you are not a seasoned host, it is best to start small. Remember, this is not about putting on a show; it’s about sharing who you are.

Entertaining starts with an invitation. For a casual event you may call your guests and provide them with the details of a date, time, and place. It is always a good idea to ask your guests if they have any food requirements you should be aware of. You would not want to serve a shrimp pasta dish to someone who was deathly allergic to shellfish.

What to serve? Anything you and your guests will enjoy! Thankfully, there is no rule that you must personally prepare each dish from scratch when you are a host. Whether you lack cooking skills, or simply do not have the time, there are plenty of options available to you – from prepared food at your local supermarket to take-out from your favorite restaurant to hiring a caterer. Simply place the food on your own dishes, and dinner is ready! If you do enjoy cooking and have the time, terrific!

Think through all the details. How and when will you serve the food? Where will everyone sit? What about lighting and music? Will you include candles and flowers? If you do, use only unscented candles and flowers where food is served. Is your home neat and clean? While no guest should be doing a white glove test when they arrive, they should be greeted with a clean environment. Will the evening include food and interesting conversation, or will you play a game – or watch a movie? What time will the evening end? And don’t forget to plan ahead for what you will wear. There is nothing more stressful than trying to find something to wear at the last moment.

Being a host is a gift of love and does require effort. By keeping your focus on the goal, thinking through the process, and having as many of the details handled before your guests arrive, you are well on your way to being a happy host. A happy host enjoys her guests and makes them her focus.

The Gracious Guest
A happy host loves a gracious guest, someone who understands that being invited into a home is an act of generosity and hospitality and would never treat such an invitation lightly. She is quick to let the host know if she is able to attend – RSVP – and, once she has accepted the kind invitation, would not think of being late, not showing up, or bringing an uninvited tagalong.

A gracious guest never arrives empty handed. If she was not asked to bring a part of the meal, she brings a small gift that the host will enjoy as a way to express her gratitude. She comes prepared to participate in the conversation and any activities the host has planned. She looks for ways that she can assist her host, such as, making other guests feel comfortable, or giving a helpful hand in the kitchen. She is positive, kind and thoughtful to all. She never overstays her welcome, and never forgets to send her host a handwritten note expressing her gratitude.

Successful entertaining requires both a happy host and gracious guests. Life today is overscheduled, overspent, and filled with stress – especially during the holidays. Being invited into someone’s home to enjoy a meal and pleasant conversation may be one of the best gifts you receive. This holiday season, schedule time to open your home and your heart to those you love. It is a priceless gift.

“It requires as much skill and genius to entertain friends as to defeat an army.” —Paulus Aemilius, Roman General

Technically Polite

Deborah King — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 16:06:10 GMT

Remember when conversations were held face-to-face? Two or more people would gather and share thoughts, work out issues, and cement relationships. We enjoyed the benefit of hearing the words another spoke, seeing the gestures and subtle body movements, and profited from the ability to ask questions for clarification and full understanding. Technology has forever shifted how we communicate. Today, we talk, we text, we tweet, and we write on each other’s walls. And, thanks to smart phones and tablets, we can do so anywhere and anytime.

Whatever the method of communication may be, one thing remains constant: we must demonstrate behavior that is considerate and polite.

Reason for Communicating

With so many communication options available, it is important to identify what the purpose is for your interaction. Do you desire to deepen a relationship? Do you have upsetting news? If so, it is best to communicate face-to-face. If that is not possible, then a phone call would be appropriate. Quick notes or comments can easily be sent through a text.

Focus on Those Who are Present

Where is your focus? Those who constantly check their phone send a clear message that there is something more important than those who are present—never a good message if you desire to enhance relationships.

Mobile Phone Tips

Hang up and tend to business. Talking on your phone when you are trying to check out of a store, at the bank, in a public space, or using the restroom is never appropriate.

Watch your volume! People tend to talk louder on their mobile phone.

When placing a call, identify yourself and ask the person you are calling if it is a good time to talk. Be aware that not all people have unlimited minutes. Time is money!

If your call is dropped, the person who placed the call is the one who should return the call – even if you think the call was dropped by the other person. This avoids the endless calls that go immediately to voice message. Of course, not all people know this; so if the person who placed the call does not call back in a couple minutes, then you probably should call them.

Do not use your phone during public performances such as movies or the theater. Even checking your phone can cause light distractions.

Be aware of background noises. Depending on the sensitivity of your phone, even minor background noises can be very loud to the person on the other end of the call.

Use a hands-free device when driving so you can focus on driving. It is best to let people you are calling know you are in the car and ask them if they can hear you.

Note: Your Bluetooth is NOT a fashion accessory. Limit wearing one unless you are using the phone.

Texting Tips

Most importantly, a text is NOT a conversation! A text is a statement or a question. Think of a text like a Post-it Note. If you have more information to convey than you can fit on a Post-it Note, consider another form of communication.

Avoid other activities when texting. Texting while driving is now proven to be more dangerous than drunk driving! And there are plenty of stories of people having accidents while walking and texting.

Email Tips

Emails are best used for communicating action items, facts, or, friendly hellos. Information should be kept brief and, once sent, can be used as a legal document.

Think about your email address. It reflects your image and creates an impression about you. Do you really want to be known as “sexykitten@......”?

Avoid sending chain emails. While you may enjoy them and have time to read them, others do not.

Carefully consider your background. Decorative backgrounds often cause technical challenges when replying. The best image for business-minded individuals is a clean white background.

Create a signature line that includes your appropriate contact information.

Note the topic in the subject line and keep that string of emails in tack. You don’t want the recipient to have to scramble to locate what had been said previously. When you address a new topic, start a new email.

When sending an attachment, state what it contains in the body of your email.

Use the CC feature when you would like to openly include others in your email correspondence. Use BCC when you would like to include others without revealing them to each other. Think before you hit reply. Is your reply intended for everyone on the list, or just one person?

Emoticons and abbreviations in texting are fine, provided the recipient knows what they mean; but they should be avoided in emails – especially in business.

Read your email out loud prior to sending—to check for tone.

Social Media Tips

It is always surprising that some people still think that what they post online is private. It is not! Always ask yourself this question, “Would I want to see this post on the 5 o’clock news tonight?” Give care to what you say and what you post. You DO have an online reputation, and it lives forever!

Photos between friends should be kept private unless your friend gives you permission to post them. Never post a photo that does not show all parties in a positive light.

Just as with face-to-face communication, you need to know your online friends and interact with them appropriately.

Prior to every communication, ask yourself what is the purpose of this communication, and then select the method that best meets your needs. Whether you’re talking, texting, tweeting, and/or writing on a wall, please remember to be technically polite!

If you would like to learn more about how to communicate with class, please check out my chapter in Image Power at www.finaltouchschool.com — under Etiquette Resources.

Public Friendly Dining

Deborah King — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 18:29:05 GMT

August temperatures are not the only thing that is hot! Once again the news and social media are fired up about some restaurants not allowing children under six to be served because of poor behavior. This has created a great deal of heated debate. Adults who wish to enjoy a quiet and pleasant evening out do not want to be held captive by unruly children. And parents of small children would like to choose where they go as a family to enjoy a meal.

We have all experienced times dining out where young children have been present and out of control. They were a disruption to everyone – including the restaurant staff. Unfortunately, age does not guarantee good manners; but here are a few things to keep in mind when dining out with the family.

The first thing to remember is that public dining is just that: “public.” You are no longer in the comfort of your own home and must be considerate of those around you. Unfortunately, there is a growing attitude of entitlement when it comes to public dining. Many boldly proclaim that it is their right to eat where they like; after all, isn’t the restaurant being paid to cook, serve, clean, and meet every request with joy? Personal responsibility has been limited to paying the bill.

Parents, exhausted from a long day at work, are looking for relief and support in feeding their children. After a busy day, they just want to unwind and rest. Forgotten is the couple who may be seated next to them who has hired a babysitter and would also like an evening of relaxation. As one client told me, “I look forward to a nice romantic dinner with my wife and don’t want to be interrupted by a young screaming child demanding a soda.”

Many parents believe their child is well behaved and should not be punished for those who misbehave. If their child were to act out, they would be quick to simply get up and leave.

Public-friendly dining requires parents to properly prepare their child for what behavior is expected at a restaurant.

Age Appropriate
Start by selecting a restaurant that will be a pleasant experience for all family members.
Be realistic. A two-year-old is not mature enough to manage their behavior during a leisurely evening meal in a five-star restaurant.

Type of Restaurant
Select a family-friendly restaurant. There are many options in every community from which families can choose.

• Will you be seated quickly?
• Is there needed seating such as high chairs or booster seats?
• Is there a children’s menu?
• Are there child-friendly activities such as crayons or a playground?
• Will you be able to place your order quickly?
• Does the food require the use of a knife and fork?
• Will the food arrive quickly?

Appropriate Skills
What skills does your child need in order for the experience to be positive for all? Just like thinking about the clothing one will wear to a certain venue, thought should be given to how one will be expected to behave.

• Chew with your mouth closed.
• Use your napkin.
• Say please and thank you.
• Speak in a low voice.
• Eat neatly.

Practice and patience are essential to teaching children appropriate behavior. Start at home and then provide bite-sized opportunities in public for your child to practice his or her new skills.

Other Solutions
This topic stirs passion on both sides. Here are some solutions that my clients and friends have shared with me.

• Restaurants should have “Family Friendly Dinner Hours.”
• Restaurants could post a sign stating, “Well behaved children are a delight.” This would be similar to the “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service” sign.
• Require children to pass a certified manners class where they are issued a card which parents present to restaurants. This card could be renewed annually and would be a measure of assurance to the restaurant that the child is able to handle themselves appropriately.

Positive Reinforcement
Years ago, a brother and sister attended one of my children’s dining classes. A few days following the class, the children’s parents announced they would be going to a restaurant for dinner. The siblings quietly decided to practice everything they had learned in the class a few days prior. On their own, they rushed to their room and put on their best clothing. Their mom and dad were quite surprised but didn’t say anything, not wanting to interrupt the moment. The brother opened his sister’s door and in the restaurant pulled out her chair. Each placed their napkin on their lap and politely ordered their meal. Mom and Dad were speechless.

Throughout the meal, they were aware of not chewing with their mouth open, saying “please” and “thank you,” participating in polite table talk, and sitting up straight. They didn’t realize it, but (as it was told to me) a grandma and grandpa were seated nearby, watching them. As the older couple finished their meal, they approached the table. They said, “I am so sorry to interrupt your meal, but we could not help but notice the beautiful table manners your children have. Would it be ok if we paid for any dessert that they would like?”

Well, you can imagine the look on the children’s faces and the response of the parents! As I tell the children in our classes, when you practice polite table manners, I cannot promise you that anyone will buy your dessert, but I can promise that people will notice and appreciate your good manners.

It is my experience that a well-mannered child is welcome in most any environment. Good manners do begin at home; around the family table, manners and civility are mastered. The benefits of these skills cannot be overstated.

So, what do you think? I posted a poll on Final Touch Finishing School, Inc. Facebook Fan Page. Please vote and post your thoughts: http://www.facebook.com/FinalTouchFinishingSchool

Home Pool Etiquette

Deborah King — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 16:28:36 GMT

Having friends spend the day at your pool is fun, and it is a big responsibility. Being a guest that is kind and respectful to the host, their home, and other guests is a sure way to be invited back again! Here are some tips to do just that.

The Invitation

Don’t show up uninvited.
Do arrive on time.
Don’t expect your host to feed you.
Do respect the requests of the host.
Do, parents, make sure your child can swim and is supervised.

Preparing to Swim

Do make sure your suit fits properly.
Do make sure your suit is not too revealing or transparent.
Do have a cover-up.
Do shower before you swim.
Do use the restroom when needed.
Do bring and use your own sunscreen.
Do bring your own towel.
Do keep your things together.
Do bring your own beverage and snack.

Around the Pool

Don’t run, push, or be rowdy.
Don’t yell and scream.
Do be aware of younger or inexperienced swimmers.
Do visit with everyone.
Don’t splash those watching or sunbathing.
Don’t eat or drink in the pool.
Don’t put small items in the pool.
Don’t dive or jump into the pool from the side.
Do practice safety.

Ending the Swim

Don’t overstay your welcome.
Do put pool away toys and/or equipment.
Do dispose of trash properly.
Do dry off before entering the house.
Do take all your belongings with you.
Do thank your host.

Graduation Etiquette

Deborah King — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 14:04:59 GMT

While etiquette seems to have been lost in most of today’s casual society, graduation is still a time when we adhere to proper protocol. A graduation ceremony, however, is not something we focus on daily. At most, it is the focus of our attention maybe once or twice a year; so there’s often confusion about what is appropriate. Here are a few guidelines:

Announcements

Announcements are not invitations to graduation unless a ticket for the ceremony is included.
Announcements may be sent two weeks prior or two weeks following the graduation.
Announcements may be sent to anyone who has been significant in the life of the person graduating.
The outside envelope should be formally addressed; e.g.: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
The inner envelope should be addressed informally; e.g.: Uncle Jim and Aunt Karen

Gift Giving

Receiving an announcement does not require you to give a gift.
Gifts should be given based on relationship. They should show connection and affection for the individual.
A gift should always be within your budget.
Gifts should be nicely wrapped and include a card that identifies the giver.
Gift ideas include items for their dorm or apartment; jewelry; luggage or travel kits; personalized stationery; gift cards; or cash.
Consider including the gift of words. Write a few lines about the person, gifts you see in their life, and that you believe in them. These can create powerful bonds.
Consider giving a course on social skills to prepare the graduate for future success.

Thank-You Notes

A thank-you note should identify the gift and how it will be used or enjoyed. With cash, or a gift card, you should mention how you will spend it.
A thank-you note should be handwritten and sent within two weeks. An email thank-you is not appropriate at thistime.

What to Wear

Make sure your selection meets your school’s graduation dress code.
Ladies traditionally wear a lightweight dress or top and skirt, which should not hang below the gown.
Men traditionally wear dark pants with a dress shirt and tie.
Be aware of your shoe choice since they are most visible.

Don’t forget the camera to capture all the great memories!
This is a wonderful opportunity to celebrate an important milestone in the life of a loved one, and it can also be a time of great stress. Too often the focus is on the perfection of the details and not on the reason for the celebration. Make sure the focus is on the person, their accomplishment, and the next chapter of their life. The moments we spend with someone, while being fully present, are the moments that weave together the memories they will cherish for a lifetime. Let’s not miss them.

Authentic Civility

Deborah King — Mon, 09 May 2011 13:13:00 GMT

"Civility is not a mechanical act. Civility is a condition of the heart." ~ Deborah King

Civility is not something you put on, like a new outfit, in order to impress another to achieve a particular goal. Pure civility must be authentic. Authentic civility springs from a heart that deeply values all people and recognizes that every action somehow affects others. This realization – as you live in a world where you are connected with others, whether you know them or not – requires that you carefully consider everything you say and do.

Discover the Treasure Within
Before you can treat others with care and consideration, you must give care and consideration to yourself. Recognize that within you resides a priceless treasure, and that treasure exists to be shared. This treasure is something you bring forth out of you, not something you try to get. The more you give, the more you receive.

Frustration Signals Passion
What frustrates you? What, you may ask, does my treasure have to do with frustration? Your frustration may actually be a signal revealing your passion. Not everyone is passionate about the same things as you. There are many things I hear about that I see as unfortunate or horrible, but I am not moved to frustration. When I do find myself being frustrated over and over by an issue, I know to ask myself What can I do to meet this need?

When you find you are frustrated, take some time to think about how you could bring change in that area. Could you join a group, teach a class, write an article, or develop a new service or product?

Competition Evaporates
Don’t be concerned with the competition. When you give birth to what is within you, there is no competition because there is only one “you”! Never settle for being a cheap imitation of someone else. Teachers, coaches, and trainers can provide importance guidance, but you have to learn to listen and evaluate every situation and discover how you can uniquely meet that need. Acts of incivility often escalate in highly competitive environments. It is vital that you know who you are and what your purpose is.

Plod On, Plod On
As a teen, I heard my pastor say that to be successful in anything in life, you must be like the old plow horse: Each day he plows the field – going back and forth, back and forth. It’s not exciting, but the constant, consistent action produces a great harvest.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and authentic civility does not become commonplace by a single act. Like the old plow horse, you must plod on, plod on, plod . . .
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Moms

Deborah King — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 15:54:38 GMT

Mothers fill many roles in the lives of their children, but one role they are not to fill is to be their child’s best friend and lifelong playmate. Today’s mother often has many responsibilities outside the home, including part- or full-time employment, which leaves precious little time for family life. Nevertheless, no matter how tired she is at the end of the day, she is still mom, and no one else can fulfill that role.

As a teacher, protector, and provider of her children, a mother needs to focus on the following:

A child must be taught to be compassionate and to empathize with others.
A child must be taught to respect authority and know how to appeal to authority when needed.
A child must be taught that every decision he or she makes has consequences and that those consequences will appear sooner or later.
A child must be taught how to wisely give of themselves to others.
A child must be taught how to handle conflict.
A child must be taught how to be grateful and how to appropriately express their gratitude.
A child must be protected from a life that is too busy to enjoy their childhood.
A child must be provided a home that is a sanctuary from the storms of life—a safe place to be nurtured physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
A child must be taught that personal integrity is more important than fame or fortune.

To provide a child with these core values requires the greatest investment: time. We cannot pass off this responsibility to a coach, school, church, or nanny. Children learn by watching us and will do as we do, not as we say. A mom shared with me how angry her teenage son had become over her calling clients to discuss business every time they were in the car together. Her view was that they were spending time together; his view was that she would rather be with someone else.

A mother’s words can encourage a child to attempt a new activity, to press a little harder to reach a goal, to calm a moment of distress, or bind up a broken heart; they can also dash a dream and pierce the heart with pain. We must guard our words so they give life, and look for creative ways to express them.

Monica Brandner wrote these words to her adult daughter: “Kayla, you are like a pillar. Your inner strength amazes me. You have grown into such a beautiful and strong woman. You make me smile, and I am very proud of you. My love for you runs deep. Keep going for your dreams! You are a world changer!”

Monica said that she has learned that there is no greater investment in her children than her words. The cost is only a few moments of her time. When others use words to try to hurt her children, she is confident that her words will rise up, overrule, and remind them, “My mom says . . . !”

Take time to write a few words of affirmation to your child(ren). They will be a constant reminder of who they are, their destiny, their value, and how much they are loved. Our words and life example will be engraved on their heart and spirit forever and will provide the support they need to face the many challenges of life.

Women of Excellence

Deborah King — Sat, 23 Apr 2011 15:27:00 GMT

John Adams, the second president of the United States, said: “From all that I had read of history and government of human life and manners, I had drawn this conclusion, that the manners of women were the most infallible barometer to ascertain the degree of morality and virtue of a nation.” —Dee Jepsen, Women Beyond Equal Rights (Waco: Word, 1984), quoted in James Robinson, Attack on the Family (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1981), 33.

The role of women in society cannot be filled by any other. Women uniquely influence the family and the community. Typically, they manage the home, provide the meals, select the clothing, chauffer the children, volunteer at school, church, clubs—the list is almost endless. Over ninety percent of women also work a part- or full-time job.

Balancing all the roles a woman embraces is not easy. Learning how to set priorities and how to say “no” is a necessity. Women simply cannot, and should not, do everything that comes their way. One role they must embrace is raising their children.

Choice of Clothing
Another area women have a unique opportunity to influence others in is through their clothing choices. Unfortunately, many have followed the trends set by the media. Fashion continually pushes the boundaries of what is acceptable with little regard for the impact on women (and on men). Super thin models, scantily dressed and airbrushed to appear flawless, create an unrealistic ideal of what it means to be beautiful. These images fill the fashion magazines and the minds of our girls, resulting in a loss of self-esteem and the belief that they must dress and look the same if they are to be “pretty” and acceptable in our society.

Unfortunately, many mothers have also yielded to the media pressure. They shop where their daughters shop, and wear what they wear, affirming that being young and sexy is the goal. Modesty has all but evaporated from most closets and feminine bodies.

A woman who knows how to use fashion to dress appropriately for her age, to enhance her body type and coloring, to be fashionable and yet modest, is a joy to all who meet her. The truth is, a woman is always more interesting when she leaves some things to the imagination. A beautifully groomed and dressed woman is a gift to all who meet her and provides an excellent role model for others.

Good Manners
Another area women have an opportunity to influence others in is by the practice and use of good manners. A child learns what they live. A child who is raised in a home where good manners are modeled and valued will always benefit.

Unfortunately, the media has also set the tone for much of today’s behavior. Television and movies portray children and teens mocking adults and being disrespectful while viewers laugh and enjoy popcorn. The family dinner table has been replaced with drive-through menus and playgrounds. Gifts are expected, and thank-you cards are neglected.

Women uniquely set the standard for the family and for society. They lead others by their dress and behavior. Let’s lead our children to excellence! If you lack the skills you need, seek opportunities to learn them.

Civility Tip – Body Management
You demonstrate kindness and respect for yourself and others through how you manage your body, appearance, and behavior.

1. Maintain a healthy weight.
2. Exercise regularly.
3. Be well groomed.
4. Dress appropriately for the situation.
5. Practice good manners.

Air of Confidence

Deborah King — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 00:46:00 GMT

When someone first enters a room, what captures your attention? Is it what the person is wearing, his or her smile, eye contact, hair, or some other physical characteristic? Leaders possess a unique quality that enables them to capture the attention of those they meet. Those who have achieved a level of success and mastery in their work also possess this quality. What is it? Confidence! People who are confident “own” the room they enter, communicating to all that they have the skill to handle whatever they may face. Confidence is rated by many as the most attractive feature about someone.

Do you possess a level of confidence that enables you to move with ease from one situation to the next? Are your children confident in the situations they face? Confidence is not something one is born with; it must be developed.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines confidence as “faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way; the quality or state of being certain.”

Confident people are easily identified the moment they enter a room. They stand tall and move with grace and certainty. They are open to others and look for opportunities to connect with them. They easily meet and greet others and seem to converse effortlessly. Also, they are competent in their abilities without being boastful.

Acquiring confidence comes by learning and practicing a skill until it becomes automatic and natural. Malcom Gladwell, author of The Tipping Point and Outliers, states that one must devote at least 10,000 hours to a given craft before he or she is truly successful with it. Many think confidence and social skills should be mastered by reading a few articles or attending a seminar on the topic. A brief brush with a new skill does not equate to mastery. There must be ongoing learning, followed by practice and feedback, for an extended period of time before a new skill is developed and is truly useful.

Developing a higher level of confidence will not only benefit you; it will benefit all those you interact with—most importantly, your children. You cannot give to others what you yourself do not possess. You may not work outside your home, where you need to master a particular skill, but the level of confidence you have will be what you pass on to your children.

We all are products of the people and experiences we’ve been exposed to. Children who have been nurtured in homes rich with social skills are able to master the moments they face. Their success is predictable. As you increase your own confidence, the situations you used to dread, or avoid, will become a source of enjoyment and will open new doors of opportunity for many.

Civility Challenge

Pay attention to those around you. Every act of kindness starts with noticing others. Many uncivil acts are rooted in being in a hurry and unaware. Slow down and consider those you are with at home, at work, and in the marketplace.

“When civility reigns, people rejoice!” –Deborah King

May is International Civility Awareness Month!

Civility Begins at Home - Raising Civil Children

Deborah King — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:30:00 GMT

Civility begins at home and it begins with every parent. A child who experiences a civil home will be more likely to act in a civil manner at school and in the community. This is the foundation of a civil society. It is not the color of our skin, our political or religious differences, or our physical borders that divide us, but rather, the borders of our heart, our spirit, and our mind.

If civility is not taught and modeled in the home, there is little chance for a civil society. Civility requires character, confidence and class. By modeling positive behavior, you will train your children to be civil while inspiring others.

It takes everyone involved in the life of a child to teach him or her how to live with kindness and respect for self, others, and the environment. Children must recognize they are part of a larger whole and that every action of theirs, somehow impacts others. This knowledge, once mastered, will enable a child to handle life’s situations with confidence and grace. I love civility! It is the foundation of a healthy society.

“Civility knows no boundaries, speaks every language, crosses every time zone, thrives in every culture, connects with every generation, is available to every person, and improves every situation.” Deborah King

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Mealtime - Raising Civil Children, Part VII

Deborah King — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 14:15:00 GMT

Mealtime

Make family mealtime a priority. Children who eat regular meals together with their family do better in school, are less likely to use drugs, and are emotionally healthier. Overloaded schedules make gathering around the dinner table each night a challenge for many families. If this describes your situation, consider what you can do. Maybe you could reserve Sunday for family dinners, or maybe breakfast would be a better option. Start where you can. Here are some tips for encouraging civility at mealtime.

Involve the entire family in preparing the meal.
Not a master chef? Learn a few simple recipes you can prepare together.
No time for food preparation? Consider purchasing prepared food and serving it on your own dishes.
Think nutrition. What is one thing you could do that would improve your family’s diet?
Set the table and sit down to eat.
Turn off the television, cell phones, computers, and other technical devices.
Practice table manners. Many families use my Etiquette Flash Cards as a fun and easy way to learn and discuss manners around the table.
Encourage positive table talk from all family members.
Involve the entire family in the clean-up process.

The benefits from meals eaten together are well worth the effort. Around the table manners and civility are learned and lifelong bonds are established.

Communication - Raising Civil Children, Part IV

Deborah King — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 15:00:00 GMT

Civil Communication Tips

Civil people consider their language and how it may affect others. This is especially true at home. The words spoken to and around a child frames the way he or she views the world. A child who is exposed to language that is vulgar, violent, mean-spirited, and demeaning may become withdrawn and depressed, or he or she may act out in the same manner toward others. A child who experiences language that is kind, loving, thoughtful, and encouraging is more likely to feel safe and view the world and others in a positive way. A civil home embraces respectful language.

Think before you speak. Just because you can say something does not mean you should. The age old advice, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” requires self-control and still applies today.
Say please and thank you often. In one of my children’s etiquette programs a child raised her hand and asked when she would be old enough to not have to say please and thank you anymore. I was surprised by her question and asked her why she was asking. She said she never hears her parents saying please and thank you and wanted to know when she could also quit. Fred Astaire said that "the hardest job kid’s face these days is learning good manners without seeing any."
Respect the elderly and those in authority. Parents, grandparents, teachers, clergy, and government officials should be honored for the position they hold. When disagreements arise, demeaning language or rude behavior is not tolerated; instead, you look for ways to respectfully appeal to authority.
Learn how to resolve conflict. Being civil does not mean you must agree with everyone, nor does it mean that you should avoid difficult issues. When faced with conflict, keep the focus on the issue –not the person. Instead of being judgmental, try being empathetic. Imagine what it may be like to be in the other person’s shoes. Listen for the things that you have in common and that you can agree upon. This helps to keep the tone of the conversation positive. At times, you may simply need to agree to disagree.
Establish technology free zones. During these times everyone unplugs and focuses on those who are present. Children who primarily communicate through technology are not developing valuable face-to-face communication skills. In fact, I have parents tell me they have started texting just so they could communicate with their teen. While texting has its place and value, it cannot replace face-to-face communication. Family mealtimes are a great place to establish a technology free zone. This provides family members the opportunity to learn about what has taken place in each person’s day. During this time, communication is focused and verbal and nonverbal skills are developed.

Guests & Hosts - Raising Civil Children, Part VI

Deborah King — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 14:59:00 GMT

Hosting Guests

Inviting guests into your home requires preparation of your home and your heart. Careful consideration should be given to how you can make your guest feel welcome. A home that is welcoming is clean and family members are kind and inclusive. Here are a few tips for teaching your children how to be a good host.

• Greet your guest at the door with a smile and invite them into your home.
• Introduce your guest to family members.
• Offer your guest something to eat or drink.
• Ask your guest what they would like to do.
• Include your guest in activities and conversation.
• Walk your guest to the door and thank him or her for coming.

Being a Guest

It is a privilege to be invited into someone’s home, and this generosity should not be taken lightly. Being a host requires a great deal of time, thought, and expense. A thoughtful guest will show they appreciate their host in the following ways.

• R.S.V.P. This is a French term that simply means ‘please reply’. Every invitation deserves a prompt reply.
• Dress appropriately. Be well groomed and choose clothing that is appropriate for the event. Clothing that is inappropriate, sloppy, or too revealing, does not honor your host.
• Be on time. Arriving early, or late, is inconsiderate.
• Bring a hostess gift. Never appear empty handed. A small gift acknowledges the effort of your host.
• Joyfully participate. Participate in positive conversation and the activities that are planned.
• Thank your host. Never underestimate the power of a handwritten note.

Being a thoughtful host, or guest, is rooted in your attitude and is demonstrated through your appearance, words, and actions.

Family Members

As wonderful as guests are, no one can ever replace the valuable relationship of a family member. Civility at home begins with how you treat those who live in your home.

A friend once shared with me that she insisted her children treat each family member as well, or better than, they would treat their most honored guest. This was not negotiable. If one child had a guest over to play and treated a brother or sister rudely, or spoke mean-spirited words to another family member, the guest was sent home and the offender was required to serve the offended. This may include cleaning their sibling’s room, or doing one of their chores. Today, she enjoys the company of five adult children who know how to honor others.

Honor the elderly. In our youth-absorbed culture, the feeble and elderly are often set aside. Remember to include senior family members in conversation, activities, and daily life as much as possible.

Family interactions provide a beautiful environment where each member learns how to demonstrate honor, respect, and value for all other members. Yes, there are times family members can be a challenge, but a spirit of love and respect for each member must never be compromised.

Volunteer - Raising Civil Children, Part V

Deborah King — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 14:59:00 GMT

Volunteer

Civility involves the art and act of caring for others. Too many children grow up never learning what it means to selflessly serve others. Parents, eager to provide their child with every comfort and opportunity possible, overlook the tremendous value of service. A polite child is willing to serve others.

Cultivate empathy in yourself and your children. Treat all people with dignity, respect and kindness; from the garbage collector to the President - from those who have little, to those who have much. Children who learn that a person’s worth is not based on what they have or the position they hold, but rather, on who they choose to be, are embracing the heart of civility.

Service begins at home. Encourage family members to participate in serving each other. Start each day by greeting all with a smile and hello. When getting a snack, ask others present if they would also like a snack. Family members should be treated with the same thoughtfulness as a special guest.
Giving is an act of civility. Everyone has something to give - a smile, a kind word, a helping hand, or a financial gift. There are endless opportunities to serve in your community. Do some research and find a place where you and your family can serve others and truly make a difference.

Raising Civil Children, Part III

Deborah King — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 00:00:00 GMT

The Golden Rule
Treat others as you would like to be treated. This timeless advice still has value today. When a child is taught to stop and think about how they feel when they are treated rudely, they are more likely to avoid treating others rudely. In thinking of others, empathy is developed. I ask children in classes how they feel when their friend, who has come over to their house to play, leaves a big mess for them to clean-up. They passionately share how mad they are at their friend for helping to make the mess, but not willing to help clean it up. This example provides opportunity to remind them how important it is to always clean-up when they are the guest.

Once a child has mastered the golden rule, it is time to introduce the platinum rule - treat others as they would like to be treated. Whereas, the golden rule works nicely when applied with those who come from a similar background or culture, the platinum rule requires a person think about the person they are with, the needs of that person, and what would be the best way to interact with them. Have you heard the adage ‘when in Rome do as the Romans do’? That applies here, for example, if your friend takes off his shoes when entering his home and that is not something you typically do, you would need to remove yours as well so that you would not offend him.

A Peaceful Home
A peaceful home is a happy home. Stressful, unhappy environments challenge civil behavior. Times of stress can result in bad attitudes and create a combustible condition. Have you ever tried to be polite and thoughtful when you were stressed or in a bad mood? It is nearly impossible. You may be able to utter polite words, but the tone of the message is abrasive and void of sincerity.

Keep uncivil behavior out of your home. Most people would not invite someone into their home that would personally treat them rude or create chaos within the family. Yet, many will choose music, movies, video games, and television programs that promote and celebrate unkind and uncivil behavior. Carefully consider who and what you bring into your home.